The Shred.

I am not a patient gal. Ask anyone, they'll tell you: I do not like to wait. I do like instant gratification. I'm working on this whole patience thing, in this land of stores closing at 6, and the utter lack of American products helps too. I'm just not cured yet.

See, I've been on a kick lately. To lose some weight. It was going pretty well. I was down six pounds! Then one fateful weekend not so long ago, I took a PT test, starved on a pistol range for 14 hours, and proceeded to stuff my face for the next...72 hours. Prime example. I was instantly.. and continuously... gratified. In my world one cheeseburger = 3 pounds to the gut and 3 pounds to the butt (do you consider that to be fair? I don't). So do you see where this is going?

Well, today, I had this plan. Actually I had this plan yesterday, and the day before, and even the day before that, to go running. Monday morning, I woke up, and it is raining and thirty-five degrees. Oh shoot.

Tuesday I put on my gym clothes, gathered my gym "stuff", and made it all the way to town. I always run any errands before I go to the gym, so I don't subject unsuspecting people to my red-faced rankness. Besides, I'm always looking for new friends in the checkout line. People tend to shy away from real-life, sweating tomatoes.

So I'm running my errands, and Ted calls while I'm at the post office. I tried to answer, but ended up dropping the phone on the floor so that every removable piece fell off amongst the other postal patrons' feet. Does this sort of thing only ever happen to me?? I finally get him called back. He wants to know if I want to meet him for lunch in twenty minutes. Heck yes I do! I do the math. Can I get to the gym, work out, and get back to the restaurant in twenty minutes? I think not. "I'll see ya there, babe."

A cheeseburger (ketchup only), fries, and Mountain Dew later, I know there is nothin in that gym that would be a safe bet anymore. Darn. Guess I'll just go home.

Four hours later, I'm still in my workout clothes, but I'm sitting on the couch. I run across a blurb about Jillian's 30-day Shred (she's from the Biggest Loser). I'm weak. I'm gullible. I fall prey to all sorts of marketing. And I hate running. I must have this Shred, and I must have it right now. I cannot be bothered to wait for this video to cross the ocean to my continent. The U.S.P.S. just would not understand the time-sensitive nature of my package. I must drive to town right now and buy it! It did cross my mind that the PX might not have it. I already know that the PX does not have most of the things that I want or need (that's another story for another day). What can I say, I'm an optimist. So I got in the car and drove fifteen minutes to town to "get my shred on." I'm so ashamed.

Let me digress for a quick minute. When I say, "go to town," I confuse a lot of people here. Not you Iowa people- most of you "go to town" or "run to town" every day. Yesterday I told a friend I was "on my way to town" and she said, "What town?". Turns out I already live in a town these days. Anyway, I trust that you country folk know that when I say I'm "going to town," I mean I'm going on post, where the action is, and the stores are. Thank you for being like me. It makes me feel good about myself. I'm so ashamed.

But anyway. I get to the PX, and I swear I can feel the pounds drop off the closer I get to The Shred (I told you, I'm an optimist).
Oh. My. Gosh. They don't have it (I'm sure you're all very surprised at this point). I'm just so crushed. My only hope at losing weight, and they don't have it (I've also been told I'm a drama queen- I'll let you decide for yourself). This PX doesn't have a single workout video. What kind of joint is this, anyway?! What do they think we ladies do all day? We eat chips and chocolate, and then we put in a workout video, to watch or do at our discretion. I could tell the PX a thing or two about the kind of joint they run, but I leave the store. But, as an optimist, all hope is not gone yet. The library is open until 1900 (7 pm) on Tuesdays!

Well. I'll tell you how that turned out by saying that Hit the Spot Pilates is on my coffee table.

Jillian, you let me down. I don't even want you anymore.

Click.

"You have added 1 item to your shopping cart. Proceed to checkout?"

And guess what. It's too dark to go running now.